Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
