The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
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