I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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