just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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