i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
