Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
