why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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