I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
