One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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