Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
