Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Randomize
