Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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