ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
