You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize