I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
So squirting runs in the family.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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