if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
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