i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
