Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
