Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize