I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
He had one of those small greek statue penises
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
