I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
