so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
