R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Randomize
