too bad you live with your parents still
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
