Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
false alarm, still single
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
