this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
