i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Randomize
