well I can't set my house on fire every night
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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