Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
