i just wanna soil my oats bro
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
