Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Randomize
