sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I think my vagina is haunted
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
