You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
