saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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