If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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