His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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