I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
