Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
