I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
