i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Randomize
