i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
