You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I need moral support for this bender
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
