Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
