Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
