the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
my being single is dangerous.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Randomize
