my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize