i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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