That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I just want nice things and good sex
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
