I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
