I wish my penis had an off switch
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
