I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
