I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
