Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
