You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
