I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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