Non-Jews are for practice
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
