those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
