I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Randomize