I faked an abortion last night.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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