We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
