I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
